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Real Women, Real Intimacy Issues »
Listen to a ShareRing Network call where intimacy issues are discussed.
Nurturing Your Relationship After Breast Cancer
Stories abound about marriages that have disintegrated due to a breast cancer diagnosis and, indeed, cancer is a health crisis than can wreak havoc on any relationship. However, recent research has shown that many marriages survive, and even flourish, in the months and years after breast cancer.
For instance, a Canadian study co-authored by Elizabeth Maunsell, Ph.D., and colleagues entitled “Marital Stability After Breast Cancer,” examined data from 200 newly diagnosed women and two groups of randomly selected married women. Results indicated that marital breakdown was never higher in women with breast cancer than in the control groups—those who weren’t diagnosed.1
Another study by the same researchers addressed existing evidence related to marital breakdown after a breast cancer diagnosis. The authors concluded that the majority of marriages remain stable after breast cancer and that breakdown is most likely in relationships that already had problems.2 A Canadian study found that 42 percent of the 282 couples interviewed said that the breast cancer experience brought them closer.3
These results shed an optimistic light on the status of marriage after a breast cancer experience. However, Susan Hedlund, L.C.S.W., the director of Cancer Care Resources in Portland, Ore., notes that couples still may face significant issues. “The thing I see most often is that people steel themselves to get through treatment. After treatment ends, if it does end, that’s when it really hits them. Partners or spouses often think, ‘Good, now we can go back to how it was before,’ and patients think, ‘No, I’ll never be the same.’”
In terms of communication, Hedlund notes that genderrelated responses may come into play. “Some men have a much harder time putting the feelings into words and sometimes want to do something,” she says. Thus, a man may be feeling like he should protect his wife and may show it in action, but all his spouse really wants from him is simply to listen. “What I hear from husbands a lot is helplessness,” Hedlund says. “When I’m seeing a couple I’m working on trying to get the conversation opened up so they can talk about the harder, scarier stuff like what if this does come back, how life has changed, sexuality and intimacy issues, and the whole identity crisis of who am I now and how does this change us?”
Hedlund also acknowledges that pre-existing problems usually get magnified with the stress of the cancer diagnosis and treatment. “Couples who have navigated other life crises—if they have a good relationship coming into it—will usually have more skills to draw upon in getting through it. Some couples say they get closer, although usually it gets harder before it gets better,” she adds.
So what can couples do to enhance their relationship on the road to survivorship? Hedlund recommends keeping the lines of communication open, having patience with yourself and each other, and being your own best advocate with your health care team. “Couples need to understand that they’ve been through a major life crisis,” she says. “It’s possible to survive and thrive, but it may take some time.” And, she adds, “Don’t forget your sense of humor.”
Newlyweds Cope with Breast Cancer
When you are on a date with someone you just met, one of the topics you wouldn’t expect to discuss is breast cancer. But the subject was unavoidable for 39-year-old Jill Gresham of Cleveland, Ohio, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall of 2004. It was just weeks after meeting her future husband, Chris, on www.match.com.
Accompanied by Chris and her family, Jill underwent a bilateral mastectomy in 2005. “The surgery ended up being over nine hours,” Jill recalls. “In the recovery room, I was a completely miserable person—in pain and nauseated—and my future husband looked at me and said, ‘you are so beautiful.’”
“I had experienced cancer in my life before, so I wanted to be there for her even though I had only known her for two weeks,” says Chris, who acknowledges that he “broke up with her a bunch of times” when they first started dating due to other factors in his life.
Both Jill and Chris feel that her breast cancer experience strengthened their relationship. “Chris is a very nurturing person; he’s extremely kind and compassionate,” Jill notes. “No matter how miserable I was he always maintained calm; he always did everything in his power to make me feel good.”
Jill and Chris married in May 2006. She called the YourShoesTM 24/7 Breast Cancer Support Center (1-800-221-2141) when she was first diagnosed and continues to participate in Y-ME events and other breast patient advocacy activities. “I want to start a local area support group for young breast cancer survivors,” she says. “Young women have issues that older women don’t. If I can make the teeniest, tiniest bit of difference, I want to do it.”
Resources:
1 Dorval M, Maunsell E, Taylor-Brown J, Kilpatrick M, Marital Stability After Breast Cancer, J Nat’l Cancer Institute, 1999 Jan 6; 91(1):54-9 2 Taylor-Brown J, Kilpatrick M, Maunsell E, Dorval M, Partner Abandonment of Women with Breast Cancer: Myth or Reality? Cancer Pract. 200 Jul-Aug; 8(4): 154 3 Dorval M, Guay S, Mondor M, Masse B, Falardeau M, Robidoux A, Deschenes L, Maunsell E, Couples Who Get Closer After Breast Cancer: Frequency and Predictors in a Prospective Investigation, Journal of Clinical Oncology, 2005 May 20; 23(15) 3588-96.
This article was first printed in Lifeline.